Pure Indescribable Love

This one I write too Lecrecia, since she now shuns me away.

Lecrecia, I hope one day you may find this, I hope one day that you will look at me again. Inside I am hurt, inside I don't understand what I did to deserve this. All I know now is what's left from all this.

Lecrecia even now I still love you, even in silence I still love you, even in death I still love you, even as transparent as I feel I still love you. I wish you would just listen to me, I wish you would stop running from what we both know and feel.

I listen to the song, and I hope you do too, I wrote it for you and I will write for you again, for I know what I feel in my veins, this only strengthens my resolve, for I am forever yours.

For nothing can destroy this pure indescribable love I have for you.

The Heart Is The Mind

I feel myself slowly learn to trust myself more. I am starting to slowly understand many new things in this world. My eyes are open, my mind is clear, and my heart speaks. As these days have gone by I feel my heart speak more and more.

I am starting to realize how much I am changing inside, and I also understand how much I will be changing on the outside.

There isn't much to talk to but these days have seemed to be different to me. I am starting to feel more primitive in my wants and needs. These wants and needs seem to just overwhelm everything else and in truth I accept it. I accept it because it is simply me becoming myself, it is not alien nor does it feel alien. Instead it feels like me, in my heart I know it is me.

In time I will explain some of these needs and wants, but for now, I must revel in what I am.

The Wolf Inside

The Wolf that I am hungers to get out. I am downright honest when I say I feel so caged like this. I feel so incomplete and simply wrong like this. I need to feel like myself, I need to be myself on the outside.

I feel it getting stronger everyday and I now know why I shouldn't bury such deep feelings. It hurts and it doesn't because I know someday it will happen. It still however doesn't change the fact that I feel this way, and it's my feelings and my feelings alone to feel.

I constantly push where I am, always working to up my career, always pushing hard to be free, yet here I am typing this entry. I am tired of trying to adapt to this society, this society just seems so colorless and lifeless.

Where is the beauty of the world around us? Why do people not see or work around the beauty? Why do people separate themselves from the world around them?

Simply put I know some of these answers but I want to hear it from their mouthes, I want to hear it from their minds and not my own.

I just want to be done with this struggle, but I do not want to just leave it be.

I am the wolf

The wolf is me

The wolf inside

Needs to be free

Complicated

I feel the need to write this because I feel the wolf in my veins again. I am just so tired of this society's complicated ways. I just don't understand why people complicate everything in this world. It doesn't make sense to me why can't things be so much easier. I hate adapting to all of this, it's just overwhelming.

All I have really wanted and ever wanted in my life is to be free. I want to feel the wild in my veins for good, I want to just live, hunt, run, survive, feed my belly with what nature offers, and be myself. I have come to accept this skin I am in but it doesn't change that I miss everything, I miss being free, and I miss being the wolf.

I dream of just having brethren near me, making a pack, being free, still blending into the human society, but I just feel half fulfilled and I need to fulfill the wolf that howls in my blood to be free. I accept that I am leaning to the path of the wolf, it's the only path that makes me feel real.

I want to be real again.

The Past

It seems interesting how the past can come to haunt you. I must say I was once a fool who burned my best friends book in order to so called "Stop a demon". I realize now how ignorant I was and how foolish I can be. I told him that I did burn the book for stupid reasons but I never mentioned that part because in truth what's the point it doesn't matter anymore. The simple fact is I made the mistake and I admitted my stupidity.

Now I am faced with yet again the past. This time I face his now wife. She continues to maliciously attack me and say it is my job to remove this so called "demon". She uses lines such as, "it is my job", "I was once convinced that I was the protector of balance", "I will lose sam forever", "she doesn't want to lose sam in this realm", "it is not her fight", and she even went as low as, "go on and sleep while the world crumbles."

In all honesty I am indifferent in the situation and in truth I am stuck in the middle of it. I am still considering doing something but than my heart tells me I will only hurt the situation which from what I see is clearly not as bad as she is making it. I am also considering sitting them down and simply saying stop putting me in this.

I am trying to gather the strength to say something but I am finding it increasingly difficult because I don't want to take sides. I don't want her hurt but I also don't want to keep secrets from him. I didn't mind talking about spiritual stuff with her, but her texting me about him behind his back and trying to manipulate me to do something that my heart says don't get involved in is stressing me out.

I am not sure what to do.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Contract Negotiation Class

So finance class is over and now I start contract negotiations. I am really hoping to find something interesting in this endeavor.