The Internet, and Us

During the period in which I have been waiting to move to Utah I have realized some interesting changes in myself. These changes have become the fabric that has changed the way I look at what we call the internet. I find for people like us, it seems to look a bit like an act of desperation to communicate. In some cases I feel still that the internet diminishes the experience of finding others like ourselves.

I speak of this from experience. I feel different being with them, I see it, I can breathe it, smell it, it is almost like an intoxication in some cases. I feel drawn to being with others and I yearn to be near them at all times. I will not lie when I say yes I have grown distant and tired of the life I once half heartedly followed. In many cases I feel like it was meant to be this way, I cannot deny the part of me that needs every aspect and not half of what I should have. I am only pushing to be complete.

I wish others felt as strongly as I do. I do not speak of those I will be living with, but the ones who still can't see that this internet fad is becoming dull and jaded. It seems as lifeless as ever with the over saturation of the people who try to fit into our group. Sometimes it seems like 90% of what I see is just that, but I try to keep an open mind and open heart to the possibilities. Even than I still can't help but trust my instincts, and they are becoming me, they are leading me to what I need and yearn for.

I write this today because I feel I must, yes there is a lack of energy and soul in this entry but it is because I am saving. I am holding it in for the final break, the last piece of what I was searching for. I feel it come closer everyday and even as I time and time again tell myself soon, I forget on occasion that time is irrelevant.

To the Brothers and Sisters whom which understand in some form what I hint and speak of, know that even in my over emotional status I can say it will come. It has too, it is part of what we are, it is the fabric in which our lives are fully lived through.

To the newcomers whom may not understand yet. Keep moving and remain positive. For there is proof of greatness in each and everyone. You just have to find it.

As for me, well this is just the end of one chapter, and the beginning of a new and exciting one.

This is for all who may need it:

Recent Events

I am posting back here to catch up on what was missed for the last few months.

1. A bunch of us brothers got together in Colorado and it was very much an amazing experience.

2. I graduated on October 1st. I now currently hold a Masters Degree.

3. I am moving to Utah to start my life in what some would perceive as a pack. The current assumption is I will be leaving a week from today.

The Pack

I am your brother as you are my brother.

As we are lone wolves, we are family.

As we are together, our heart is full.

As we are separated, we are empty.

As we continue to trust, our bond becomes love.

As we continue to love, we become one.

As we become one, we become two.

As we are two, we are are free.

As we are free, we are equal.

And as we are equal, we will survive.

Because I am your brother and you are my brother.

And together we are strong.

For this is the wild, and this is The Pack.

And strength in numbers, is the strength of one.

The Art Of Patience, And The Times Of Struggle

In the depths of ourselves we wait, we wait for the opportunity to be free.

In this time of opportunity we craft, we build, and we grow.

In this time of patience we learn from each of ourselves as days go by.

As the days go by we begin to see the light within ourselves.

As the days go by we begin to see the dark within ourselves.

As we are revealed to ourselves we are than revealed to others.

As we are revealed to others we make bonds and burn bridges.

In this time of patience we become who and what we are.

In this time of enlightenment, our own enemy is the one that is seen through the golden mirror.

In this time of struggle we wait.

In this time of patience we struggle.

As the days go by, as the time gets closer, and as we reach for the stars.

Our fate, created by our own subconscious will comes alive.

For we are the ones who search.

We are the ones who move.

And we are the ones who will become…….Free at last.

Unconditional Love

It seems there has been much trouble with me these last few days, for I have watched the world turn upside down by my own hands. I have had the unfortunate role of creating some of the most horrifying things, yet I have watched beautiful things come out of it. I will admit to all that I have much fear, for those that I once gave my unconditional love to left me to silence.

Even in the silence of my "family" I still see and feel myself dying for them, I cannot say anything for sure but I feel as if they would watch in shock and horror to the act, they may not know how to respond.

As I wept in sorrow from what I had created, I seemingly pushed away a brother who I hold very dear in my heart. I can only explain my love for him with words, but even in these words it will truly never be understood. I pushed him away, I pushed in fear, he told me he was to protect me and in a sense he did because in pushing him away I see the errors of my ways, I see that my current state has made me vulnerable and even influenced.

I let influence of the past get in the way of the one trying to protect me, I thought maybe I would in the end be protecting him, but now I see it, now I must grab it, and so now I must tell all this.

Turn to those you love during hard times, the love must be mutual, the heart must be felt as much as the heart gives. Reach and extend your hand to those who fall. Reach and grab the extended hand when you fall. If you make a mistake, make amends.

Always remember this, do not throw away blindly the unconditional love of another, pick it up and accept the love, for in the end you may find that you may unconditionally love them.

Home

It is about that time to vent about something that has been on my mind for months now, and this time the topic is about "Home".

In my heart there is a hole.

It is a hole of great magnitude.

I feel a deep longing to be in a place.

This place feels real.

This place feels right.

This place feels like home.

I have come to the conclusion in this chapter of my life that it is time to move away from where I am now, to where I feel is home. I have grown tired of where I am now and so it is time to break free from this confining place and embrace a new start.

I must admit I have had dreams of this place, dreams that have spanned not only from back in my childhood, but even more now.

I speak of this now because I hope one day someone will see this and maybe just maybe feel what I feel without me having to give a descriptive writing regarding what this hole feels like. Maybe just maybe the individual will do something like I will be doing very soon, if not I urge others to just think about it.

I feel home is a very important thing in our lives, it is where we feel right, it is where we feel complete, and it is where we can truly be happy.

Because to me:

Home is where the heart is.

Home is where the mind is.

Home is where the soul is.

Home is where the body should be.

Reaping What You Sow

As life moves we make choices, as we make choices life moves. Everything you do is a result of a choice and everything that happens results in a choice. The question at hand is can you reap what you sow.

I find many out there who seem to have this happen to them often. One who trusts his spouse enough to not have a password on his computer, only to find she reads his computer and than leaves him cold and alone. One who finds love in one and gives her his heart, only to find it to be a game with her. Another who left her spouse for a mistake made, only to find she still loves him.

The simple fact is we are a species of errors. We learn from our mistakes and we move on. But some cannot accept others errors, some cannot accept others choices, and so they break ties and burn bridges, setting everything around them in flames as they burn themselves and others alive.

It is crazy how the ones who you trust call you crazy and yet they themselves cannot even follow what they truly believe, shutting down all thoughts and calling them insane. Is it really insane to be open about beliefs or is it insane to not have beliefs and follow what others say?

Either way it doesn't matter. Because in the end of it all, you must be ready to reap what you sow.

Choose your life and live it before your lose the chances. This is your life to live.

Physical Contact

The physical presence of one wolf to the next is a very interesting thing. As energies flow between one another they start to intertwine. The physical presence is unmistakable, necessary. After one has experienced being near others it is set in stone. The presence is then needed.

Pure Indescribable Love

This one I write too Lecrecia, since she now shuns me away.

Lecrecia, I hope one day you may find this, I hope one day that you will look at me again. Inside I am hurt, inside I don't understand what I did to deserve this. All I know now is what's left from all this.

Lecrecia even now I still love you, even in silence I still love you, even in death I still love you, even as transparent as I feel I still love you. I wish you would just listen to me, I wish you would stop running from what we both know and feel.

I listen to the song, and I hope you do too, I wrote it for you and I will write for you again, for I know what I feel in my veins, this only strengthens my resolve, for I am forever yours.

For nothing can destroy this pure indescribable love I have for you.

The Heart Is The Mind

I feel myself slowly learn to trust myself more. I am starting to slowly understand many new things in this world. My eyes are open, my mind is clear, and my heart speaks. As these days have gone by I feel my heart speak more and more.

I am starting to realize how much I am changing inside, and I also understand how much I will be changing on the outside.

There isn't much to talk to but these days have seemed to be different to me. I am starting to feel more primitive in my wants and needs. These wants and needs seem to just overwhelm everything else and in truth I accept it. I accept it because it is simply me becoming myself, it is not alien nor does it feel alien. Instead it feels like me, in my heart I know it is me.

In time I will explain some of these needs and wants, but for now, I must revel in what I am.

The Wolf Inside

The Wolf that I am hungers to get out. I am downright honest when I say I feel so caged like this. I feel so incomplete and simply wrong like this. I need to feel like myself, I need to be myself on the outside.

I feel it getting stronger everyday and I now know why I shouldn't bury such deep feelings. It hurts and it doesn't because I know someday it will happen. It still however doesn't change the fact that I feel this way, and it's my feelings and my feelings alone to feel.

I constantly push where I am, always working to up my career, always pushing hard to be free, yet here I am typing this entry. I am tired of trying to adapt to this society, this society just seems so colorless and lifeless.

Where is the beauty of the world around us? Why do people not see or work around the beauty? Why do people separate themselves from the world around them?

Simply put I know some of these answers but I want to hear it from their mouthes, I want to hear it from their minds and not my own.

I just want to be done with this struggle, but I do not want to just leave it be.

I am the wolf

The wolf is me

The wolf inside

Needs to be free

Complicated

I feel the need to write this because I feel the wolf in my veins again. I am just so tired of this society's complicated ways. I just don't understand why people complicate everything in this world. It doesn't make sense to me why can't things be so much easier. I hate adapting to all of this, it's just overwhelming.

All I have really wanted and ever wanted in my life is to be free. I want to feel the wild in my veins for good, I want to just live, hunt, run, survive, feed my belly with what nature offers, and be myself. I have come to accept this skin I am in but it doesn't change that I miss everything, I miss being free, and I miss being the wolf.

I dream of just having brethren near me, making a pack, being free, still blending into the human society, but I just feel half fulfilled and I need to fulfill the wolf that howls in my blood to be free. I accept that I am leaning to the path of the wolf, it's the only path that makes me feel real.

I want to be real again.

The Past

It seems interesting how the past can come to haunt you. I must say I was once a fool who burned my best friends book in order to so called "Stop a demon". I realize now how ignorant I was and how foolish I can be. I told him that I did burn the book for stupid reasons but I never mentioned that part because in truth what's the point it doesn't matter anymore. The simple fact is I made the mistake and I admitted my stupidity.

Now I am faced with yet again the past. This time I face his now wife. She continues to maliciously attack me and say it is my job to remove this so called "demon". She uses lines such as, "it is my job", "I was once convinced that I was the protector of balance", "I will lose sam forever", "she doesn't want to lose sam in this realm", "it is not her fight", and she even went as low as, "go on and sleep while the world crumbles."

In all honesty I am indifferent in the situation and in truth I am stuck in the middle of it. I am still considering doing something but than my heart tells me I will only hurt the situation which from what I see is clearly not as bad as she is making it. I am also considering sitting them down and simply saying stop putting me in this.

I am trying to gather the strength to say something but I am finding it increasingly difficult because I don't want to take sides. I don't want her hurt but I also don't want to keep secrets from him. I didn't mind talking about spiritual stuff with her, but her texting me about him behind his back and trying to manipulate me to do something that my heart says don't get involved in is stressing me out.

I am not sure what to do.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Contract Negotiation Class

So finance class is over and now I start contract negotiations. I am really hoping to find something interesting in this endeavor.

Realms

I find it interesting how the different realms intertwine. In one realm one thing can be seen and in another realm something else can be seen. Although this is true it means more or less that one must not look inside but look outside as well.

When it comes down to it the realms themselves are tricky. As I see something occur in one realm, it happens in yet another realm and vice versa. This means if there is a rift between worlds than it happens in all the realms. In order to right this wrong one must fix all the rifts in each realm to fix the problem.

In the end of it all it is safe to say that for me I need to learn to balance each area and focus on all of these areas and not just one. 

Only than can I be one with this physical self.

Beliefs

So here I am, sitting down on this computer, thinking deeply about beliefs. I realize after watching "The Book of Eli" how much beliefs mean to me. Now I do not talk about just religious beliefs, I talk about all beliefs. I want to leave a trace of this here because it's a milestone for me.

Let me put it out there, there once was a boy who thought he knew everything. He thought he knew what he wanted in life, he thought he had made the choices in life that would set him for success, and he more importantly thought he knew himself.

This boy turned into a man since he walked out the doors of his parental guardians, he learned many things not only about the world around him, but he learned about himself. This is where the plot twists, the story changes chapters, and the truth unfolds. In being the man he was meant to become he found that on the inside was something more, something unique, something wild.

In his finding he embraces it with every fiber of what he is and what he was. It is the only thing that feels real to him and it will be the only real thing to him. 

In all this his path turns a unique way and through this, he becomes a man of belief. A man of such great belief in what he has experienced that he himself becomes a teacher of such things. 

Yet here's the catch, the antagonist, the struggle. His beliefs are opposed many times over and through this his skin becomes a thick powerful hide. The problem lies though in a love he believes in full heartedly. He has chosen one who he wishes to mate for life. Despite these distances between them he holds her deep in his heart and cannot let go for he knows deep down that it is her that completes him.

Unfortunately this is where things are troubling. She now questions him and believes not of what he is on the inside. This tears a hole in the heart, making him feel transparent and unloved, and it is killing him. The truth of the matter is she said things of which directly attacked him and what he believes to be true.

Yet despite all this he walks this path because he believes in it, his heart is compelled to heal and strengthen and in his love for her, he will only become stronger. 

He hopes one day she will understand everything that has happened to him and he still pictures being with her forever. Standing tall, by his side as he walks this path of belief, reaching out to those who look for it, and help those who need help.

Until then though, he will have to stand tall for what he believes and knows what runs through his veins.

Standing Tall

It seems ever since I have been alive I have dealt with so many things that life just seems to toss at me. I know everyone has these situations in some form or another and it makes me realize the bigger picture. We go through all these things because it makes us who and what we are both internally and externally.

The only thing I can truly say not only to brothers and sisters, but to anyone and everyone who reads this or talks to me is this; Stand strong, no matter how difficult the push is, no matter how powerful the grasp is just resist it. Keep moving forward and just stand tall, because if you don't than it will slowly rip you to pieces.

I say this because I find this always and I mean always seems to be an issue. Sometimes you must stand tall for those who can't, sometimes you must stand tall and burn bright when you feel less than nothing, and sometimes you must be the example to someone.

I know in my heart that no matter what happens, no matter what is thrown at me, I will always stand strong. I will stand strong not only for myself, but for those I love and care for as well as those who love and care for me, and there are many out there.

I speak about all this because I feel it is important. I feel many who walk this path feel something always trying to not only destroy you, but rip you to pieces until all that is left is a shell as lifeless as the bodies that lay in the graves six feet under.

Keep moving, keep living and stand tall because in the end of the darkest of tunnels, is the brightest of lights.

The Beginning

Once again I find myself leaving a paper trail here on the internet. I find myself yearning to leave traces of myself and who I am. I feel it is important for the sole purpose that I hope one day it will come to use not only for those who search what I search for, but maybe can connect to the struggles of the path that we walk.

So here we are, the beginning of another log, the beginning of another trail that leads to the same road that everything else leads to, and the beginning of what has already begun.

For those who may not understand what I speak of please just read and accept what I have to say as simply deep thoughts and life experiences.